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The Internet just got a little weirder for me, and on my birthday of all days (turning 46 today). So, I simply had to share.
I’m sure you’re as familiar with spam as I am.
I’m even more certain, that you enjoy it about as much as I do.
However, one does get used to it. I confess to even using it at times as an early-warning system for the health of my email: no spam for more than a couple of hours probably means that the server’s down.
As I regularly research marketing, most of my spam is of the “How I make over $3,647,453 per second with just my cell phone and a rubber band” variety. They usually have a subtitle like “People are getting paid gazillions of dollars just to look at porn and flick the rubber band on their privates” or something.
Speaking of porn, I also get the “Increase energy and gain more size” kind of emails. They have promised to increase my breast size (I think it’s fine just the way it is, thank you very much), or other parts of my anatomy. To make sure I understand how to use said parts of my anatomy, they often come with a title like, “Take your girl to heavens.”
Heavens!
I’d always assumed this was meant figuratively. Until now, that is. You see, I’ve just received a far more sinister kind of email. It starts with the following chilling words:
Do you want to hire a real assassin to kill your boss, wife, or some enemy?
Hire a hitman for only US $5000, or hire a gang member to beat up for $500 your cheating spouse, enemy or whoever you want.
If you have any questions, please contact us using the contact form on the [url] or email us on [email address].
Thanks and Best regards.
Why me?
As surreal as that excerpt was, the actual email is pretty long, and includes detailed instructions on both their services and on how to discreetly reach them.
I can only assume that they’re mailing me because I’ve been researching poisons and various means of killing for Pearseus. Which makes me wonder: what is the Inbox of crime authors like my friend, Sue Coletta?
Come to think of it, I also wonder: what kinds of searches has the missus been running? Hmm…
Sue Vincent said:
Happy birthday, Nicholas.
Makes you wonder about the efficacy of spam filters too when that kind of weirdness gets through.
Still… I’d be careful with the cake 😉
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Nicholas C. Rossis said:
Lol – she’s the one who ordered it, too! 😀
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Sue Vincent said:
Oh dear….. 😉
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Effrosyni Moschoudi said:
Happy Birthday Nicholas! I never thought spam is related to google searches! Is this for real or part of the tongue-in-cheek humor of your post? You see, now I wonder, if the subjects of spam mail are relevant to google searches, how come I keep getting adverts for London escorts? And what is my English hubby really doing 10 days a year when he visits his English family every summer? 😛
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Nicholas C. Rossis said:
Lol – oh Andy, you’re in trouble now 😀
To answer your more serious question, ads on websites are related to your Internet searches. Spam isn’t.
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Effrosyni Moschoudi said:
Phew! 😛 BTW, hope you had a lovely first birthday as a daddy. I sort of told everyone at enovel so you got some wishes awaiting on the FB group 😀
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Nicholas C. Rossis said:
Aw, you!!! 😀
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PorterGirl said:
Happy birthday! This is a sinister email indeed, but more worrying is the medium they choose to advertise their services!
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Nicholas C. Rossis said:
Yes, I wonder how far mob telemarketers can be… “Hello, we’d like to inform to you of a great opportunity. Our hitmen will be in your neighborhood tomorrow, and we were wondering if you might be interested in hiring their services. If you order now, we’ll throw in our award-winning kneecapping service for free!”
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PorterGirl said:
Haha! Love it! I would be too scared to say no, probably…
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gipsika said:
Happy Birthday, Nicholas! 😀 May you never need such dire services.
A fair deal of my scifi deals with crime and the underworld. Either I don’t do my research properly or Google believes me to be an angel, because I haven’t had that particular brand of spam yet. The other type – loads. (Though I really can’t figure out how the spammers work out that I must be male??)
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Nicholas C. Rossis said:
Lol – I don’t think they do. Half of my spam is boob-enlargement-related 😀
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gipsika said:
😀
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kimwrtr said:
LOL and Happy Birthday, Nicholas! Have a wonderful day
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Nicholas C. Rossis said:
Thank you, Kim 🙂
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kimwrtr said:
Reblogged this on Kim's Author Support Blog and commented:
LOL! Oh my!
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VelahAuthor said:
Huh.
Most of the spam in mine is… naughty.
I have no idea why. *ahem*
No, I don’t. *cough-cough*
Darn it.
😀
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VelahAuthor said:
(By the way: Happy B-Day!)
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Nicholas C. Rossis said:
Thanks 🙂
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Nicholas C. Rossis said:
I know, right? A complete mystery! *whistling tune*
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Noelle Granger said:
Happy Belated Birthday, Nicholas! Isn’t it amazing what the internet dregs up from the depths? Maybe it’s an Interpol hook?
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Nicholas C. Rossis said:
Lol – no idea. It’s not like I contacted them… and thanks 🙂
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