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Cat pun | From the blog of Nicholas C. Rossis, author of science fiction, the Pearseus epic fantasy series and children's books

Source: Pinterest

I recently followed Rough Bandit’s Fun Pun Blog. Here’s a selection of some puns that made me chuckle.

My ex-girlfriend just found out that I’ve replaced her bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.

I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer.
Dunno what he’s laced them with, but I’ve been trippin’ all day.

Someone just told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So, I had to put my foot down.

My ex-girlfriend had her driving test the other day. She got 8 out of 10.
The other 2 guys jumped clear.

To the person who has stolen my shoes whilst I was playing on the bouncy castle: Oh, grow up!

My girlfriend has left me because I’m too insecure.
No, wait, she’s back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

I take Viagra every night.
It stops me rolling out of bed.

My calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side, it still works.

My doctor told me that jogging can add years to my life.
He’s right, I feel 10 years older already.

I asked the ex-girlfriend if she wanted me to pick up ‘fish and chips’ on the way home from work, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Just seen an advert that read: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought to myself, I can’t turn that down.

I just passed a drugs test at work.
Although I’m happy to keep my job, I’ll be having words with my dealer.

If anybody knows any salad jokes,
lettuce know.

If you’re here for the yodeling lesson,
please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

I was arrested last week for stealing helium balloons.
The police held me for a while and then let me go.

I bought a book called, “How to avoid getting ripped off.”
Best $100 I’ve ever spent.

I turned to drink when my girlfriend left me.
I like to celebrate in style.

I answered the phone today and all I could hear was someone sneezing.
Bloody cold callers.

After 15 minutes of speeding down the highway, I realized I had left my car at home.

Scientists have recently discovered a gene that causes shyness.
They found it hiding behind two other genes.