More Funny Similes and Metaphors

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funny, metaphor, simile, Writer's Relief

Seeing how much you enjoyed my recent post, Funny Similes and Metaphors, here’s another one for you. This one’s courtesy of Writer’s Relief, which hosted a metaphor competition. Here are the results. I hope you like them!

First of all, what’s the difference between the two?

The definition of a metaphor is (loosely) a figure of speech that suggests an analogy between objects or ideas. Metaphor example: He was a fish out of water.

The definition of a simile is a figure of speech that compares two unlike things, usually preceded by “like” or “as.” Simile example: She swims like a fish.

So here are some good ones:

• She was tougher than titties on a turtle.
• Busier than a one-armed clown making balloon animals at a kid’s party.
• I was busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.
• Busy as a cat trying to cover poop on a tin roof.
• She thought she had gained weight as in the shower it now took her 30 mins to get her feet wet.
• She has more excuses than a pregnant nun.
• Talking to him was as frustrating as eating a hamburger with freshly painted nails.
• He was as crestfallen as a crested egret whose crest had fallen off.
• He’s as sharp as a bowling ball.
• He rolled out of bed like a fruit fly stuck in honey.
• He could barely squeeze through the opening. I was akin to a poodle passing a Pepsi can.
• He had more problems than a math book.
• It was like Schrodinger’s cat. Or was it?
• She was so skinny she had to jump around in the shower to get wet.
• Her face looked like a Pekingese trying to understand French.
• The night smacked him in the face like the nose of a playful black lab.
• Her eyes were like robin eggs hatching a plan.
• The new baby’s hair stuck out like tiny daggers trapped in a frightened bathing cap.
• His teeth looked like an unpainted picket fence with some of the boards rotting.
• His touch was as delicate as that of a welding robot.
• There were so many piercings in his face it looked like he’d been in an argument with a nail gun–and lost.
• Her two front teeth looked like a couple of Chiclets that weren’t on speaking terms.
• Her singing voice was bluer than the toes of a barefoot field goal kicker.
• She had more curves than a roller coaster.
• Her leopard-skin mini-skirt stuck to her voluptuous body like shrink-wrap to a rump roast.
• Her dress fit her body like a yellow line curving around a mountain highway.
• His temper brewed like a hot cup of coffee.
• Her eyes flashed with all the excitement of a pig sneaking into a fat farm.

Bonus entries (not really metaphors but people included them there and I couldn’t resist sharing):

• It’s a tough road to hoe.
• The beautiful child was the center of attention, with his golden curls and tuna fish complexion.
• We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.
• Her dress left little room for imagination — or lunch.
• He was a superman, soaring powerfully through life, anchored firmly by his umbilical cord.
• “So I just laid all my eggs on the table…”
• He grabbed her and said, “Look me in the eye and tell me you love me!” As she had crossed eyes, he didn’t know what to believe.